


Choices

by HalleRozally



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Depression, Happy Ending, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt Tony, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Not Beta Read, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Needs Sleep, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:13:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23586673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HalleRozally/pseuds/HalleRozally
Summary: Tony Stark was born with dead soulmates.His mother thought there was something evil in his soul, and Tony believed her. Almost 40 years of living with this fact, Steve Rogers was rescued from the ice.It was horrible and beautiful at the same time, the pain was huge and Steve would never know because Tony would never tell, but Tony loved Steve anyway, even if he tried very hard not to.Then Siberia happened and Tony wanted to die, wanted to finish the job Rogers hadn't.Well, he was dying anyway, it was one of the consequences of bond rejection.And then Steve Rogers and the Rogues come back into Tony's life with a very awake Bucky Barnes in town.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 56
Kudos: 619
Collections: WinterIronShield*





	1. You are not here

Tony knew since he was a child that he was not born for love.

Not just because his parents didn’t love him, but because his soulmates were dead before Tony was even born.

Growing up with that knowledge and with Howard as a father was not easy, but Tony managed.

Tony had been used to the idea that he was going to die alone for more than thirty years, and it was hard, at first, to live knowing that nobody would love you, and after some time, he started to hate his mark.

The mark that was the same as Steve Rogers and James Barnes, two dead war heroes, the mark that Howard hated as much as he hated Tony, the mark that his mother hated too because she thought it was creep and that it symbolized something wrong with Tony’s soul, it meant that he was trying to be in between someone else's relationship, the purest, perfect and full of love relationship, the most historical one that was displayed in every damn historical book, and they ware dead.

Tony was destined for dead men.

Maria believed that it meant that something evil lived in Tonty, back then, taking so many pills, she would say how much of a bad person he was, how creep he was, how evil. 

And Tony believed her, with all he had in his little toddler heart.

When he was four he tried to burn it out of his skin.

Jarvis stopped him.

Then, Tony grew and started to accept (actually not) the fact that his soulmates weren't alive anymore, Tony even found some comfort in that, knowing he wouldn’t take someone’s light in the same way that Howard did with his mother. 

And then, Steve Rogers came back to life.

But Tony had so much hate, blood, and pain in his life.

So Tony stayed away, physically when the news came and emotionally when he was forced to stay close to him.

Roger hated him the first time they meet. 

Good.

It was easier to deal with hatred than with the idea of friendship in some way so that in the end he would be left alone, as he knew it would happen, sooner or later. As always.

His parents, Jarvis, Ana, Rhodey, yes, Rhodey, because yes, they spoke to each other from time to time, but he spent 80% of his time in military service, even Pepper.

Beautiful and strong Pepper.

Tony didn’t blame her, because he knew it was going to end one day.

Tony was always “too much”, in many ways, very needy, very exhibited, very irresponsible. Pepper was a woman who liked exact, certain things, not too much. The excess danger that accompanied the Iron man drove her away, she said, but Tony suspected it was not just that.

Tony loved her too much.

Tony loved everyone excessively, too much, maybe that was his problem, he gave, gave, gave and when he noticed, they already had their plates full and there was nothing more to give.

Tony also loved Steve too much, more than he loved Pepper, even though he did everything he could to avoid it.

Maybe it was the power of his soul mark, which Tony doubted, if not Steve would love him back, or was his blue eyes, the sincere way he wanted to protect everyone and everything, how he wanted to help even those who didn’t want help.

Tony knew he didn’t stand a chance from the start, but from the moment Rogers turned Steve and he started responding to Tony’s jokes sarcastically instead of getting angry Tony realized he was really fucked up.

Tony was even more fucked up after Ultron, because everyone hated him and didn’t want to listen, so he didn’t even try to stop the inevitable when Wanda agreed to enter the Avengers.

Tony never told anyone that she put a vision in his head, and if it depended on the two of them, Tony would die with that secret kept deep in his heart, along with his many other secrets.

After that, they stopped listening to him.

Tony knew that this, this little family that he had created for himself in his head, his little moment of happiness, had come to an end.

But he should have imagined, from the beginning, that it wouldn’t work.

It never did.

But he still loved Steve, even if he hated Tony. So, when the news that Bucky was alive reached his ears he locked himself down on his workshop for a whole week and tried to prepare himself for what was about to come.

Because see Steve, in all his glory, knowing that he would never be good enough for him, hurt, but he knew that seeing him with his other soulmate would tear Tony apart, in a way or another, because Barnes would have what Tony couldn’t. Because Barnes would love Steve and Steve would love him back.

So Stark cried and then recomposed himself and pretended that nothing happened. 

And then Siberia happened and Tony was again reminded that he was worthless, that his soul mark had no meaning and that no one was willing to listen to him.

Nobody ever listened.

However, even after Ultron, Tony hoped that Steve, not Steve, Rogers, would have at last some respect for him.

But it was proved wrong when he discovered the size of the secret he had hidden from him.

Tony knew that if the two of them had sat down and talked before the fight, if Rogers had been honest with him, none of this would have happened. Rogers knew that too.

Two super soldiers against his armor.

Tony was not strong enough, he never was.

And Rogers and Barnes fought hard, the intention was clear, each punch, each kick. If it hadn’t been clear before, the shield on his chest was all the message he needed. Rogers fought to kill.

And he almost did it, Tony wished he could have done it, it would be simpler and it would be less bad than doing it on his own, it would hurt Rhodey and Pepper less, it would direct their anger at someone other than Tony.

Siberia was a place that marked Tony, it registered on his head, like some kind of tattoo where the only thing he could see was Rogers planting the shield on his chest with all the strength of a super-soldier, the strength to hold a helicopter, right in his chest, breaking his ribs and slicing through his chest.

There, alone in the snow, watching the armor turn on and off a few times, struggling to protect its creator until it couldn't and Tony didn't hade Fryday's voice with him anymore, Tony wondered if he really deserved it all.

He then remembered Yinsen and his weapons and concluded that yes, he deserved it and in the end, he was going to die alone.

A slow and painful death.

He wondered if he had missed his chance.

The chance that Yinsen had given him and he realized then how ironic it was.

He had escaped death with pieces of metal in his chest and a few years later someone came and stuck another piece of metal there, as if to reinforce the point of view.

But Tony did not die, even after 8 hours in the cold, Tony did not die.

He had to do a series of surgeries and had the reactor arc re-implanted in his chest because what used to be fragments of a bomb were now fragments of a shield, micro-fragments buried in his chest in a way that it was not possible to withdraw even with the surgery.

The scar was not pretty either, and the number of broken bones didn’t help, but Tony remained quiet in the medical wing just so Pepper would stop looking at him like he was going to break at any moment.

Then, one night, she would go to his house to keep him company, and he would find out that she knew about his soul mark.

That look never left Pepper’s face after that.

And even with the arc reactor, the damage to his heart was large, metaphorical and physically speaking, the list of remedies to prevent a heart attack was absurd and Tony knew that alone he would probably die in two months with the irregularity with which he would handle the situation.

His lungs were also not in the best condition, and under Pepper and Rhodey’s disapproving gaze, Tony adapted his armor so that the air circulation wouldn’t be a big problem.

Pepper hired a nurse.

Rhodey was also very present for a while, but Tony thought it was because of the prostheses, with which he was still getting used to, then Tony find out that he also knew, always knew. Since MIT.

Tony realized a few days later, in the few times he would be alone since he was under their watch since he came back from Siberia, that he loved them unconditionally, Pepper, Rhodey, Happy.

He couldn’t put in words how thankful he was for them, so he would use his money to buy them a lot of expansive presents and they would get it because they knew Tony was bad with feelings. 

But not all the love in the world would keep the evil thoughts from invading his mind.

Depression, they said.

A valid way to explain why he wanted to kill himself so much, suicide tendencies, they would say.

Tony never thought he would have depression.

Not because he was strong or something like that, he was pretty sure that it was not the way things works because he saw it himself, not in him of course, but with Rhodey’s wife, with Pepper’s mom, even with Bruce, it was not about having a strong mind, but he also knew that trauma could help, a lot. That's the reason why he firmly believed that if he had had this disease, he would have had it years before, with all the history of an abusive father, negligent mother, their early death, countless kidnappings, death threats, torture, alien invasion, and everything.

Of course, it always came with some other mental issues, like anxiety and PTSD, and yeah, it was awful and all, but Tony never felt as helpless as he was now.

His therapist said that he actually had depression before, just not as strong as it is now. 

Tony wondered why, he had it worst before, hell, he was sure he was dying before and he didn’t feel so bad, and believe it, to know that you are dying and that there is nothing to do about it? It hurts like hell. So he didn’t know what to think about his actual situation.

He didn’t want to feel that way, not because of Rogers, not because of Barnes, not because Avengers had split, because he had known it would happen sometime, he prepared himself for it, every fuckying day. 

Every fuckying day he would look in the face of his friends and prepare himself for the other shoe to drop.

And he knew it would hurt, and that it would be awful, but he was made of iron and he needed to be strong enough. He needed to pay for his sins because that's what he had to do.

He didn’t expect it to end in a so bad way thought, but it did, and he should get over it.

His therapist said that he shouldn’t think of his feelings like that and that it was normal to feel hurt, that he should let himself fell it, and not bottle it up until it ends in an episode.

Tony kinds of hate his therapist. 

He makes sure that Peppers know it, she offers him to change to a new doctor and he clarified that he will hate all the therapists. 

She just smiles at him fondly.

Shortly after, Tony, in one of his check-ups, discover something: bond rejection.

Since Tony was really unfortunate, of course he would suffer from bond rejection. There was a difference between the misfortune of being born without a soulmate, having it dead or something, and having him directly reject you. Such cases were few, but they did happen, and the result was not good.

Well, Tony thought, it was a cruel way to die, it fits exactly with his story.

Tony had tried very hard to make up for the mistakes of his past, but apparently, fate had already waited long enough and his second chance had not been enough, he hadn’t saved enough people and for that reason he would die a slow and painful death, gradually getting sick, the symptoms taking little by little his body until finally, he would die, alone.

When Pepper found out she was heartbroken but insisted that Tony kept talking with the psychiatrist, she wanted Tony to at last die in a better mental state, she didn’t say it with her words, but it was easy to read in her eyes. Tony didn’t have much of a choice anyway, he was dying, so let him try to ease the tension on Pepper’s shoulders a little.

Her eyes after that day were always red as if she had cried a lot, but she always smiled when she saw Tony, a smile sweet reserved only for him as if he were some kind of precious thing that she wanted to keep with her.

Rhodey took a leave of absence from the military when he found out, Tony tried to protest, he didn’t want to disrupt their lives any more than he already did, but Rhodey was vehement.

“Tony, you are my best friend,” he declared, his eyes filling with tears. The last time Tony saw him like this was when he was rescued from Afghanistan and it just made Tony feel guilty “And I never left your side, not when you were drunk, not when you were dating the dumbest people in the world, not when you were making weapons or when you stopped doing it, it’s not now that I’m going to leave you alone ”.

That day Tony slept embraced with Rhodey, his head against his chest. In the dark Tony vocalized one of the few thoughts he had had for many years, since MIT.

“Sometimes I wish you were my soulmate”

“Sometimes me too”

And Tony knew they would have worked, Tony was sure of it, but the universe disagreed and there was nothing he could do about it. 

Tony had thought a lot about it back in the days from MIT. Rhodey didn’t have a soulmate, Tony’s ware dead, they would manage, somehow, but Tony never created the courage to ask, and neither did Rhodey.

Unfortunately, work didn’t wait and Tony had a lot to do, even if he just wanted to lie in his bed and never get up again.

In a few months, Tony finalized the Sokovia Accords, with the little detail that it was registered directly with United Nations and toke Ross out of his business. the Accords version that Tony had stipulated, as he wanted from the beginning, which in practice did not bring big changes to the superheroes, only prevented lunatics with superpowers from going around playing the vigilantes and causing more damage than good on their way. It was just a measure to ensure the safety of innocents and the punishment of heroes who went out of line purposely, for the avengers it would hardly affect the way of work, but they would know that if they listened to Tony.

They never listened.

But there was not much he could do about it, so Tony just made sure they were forgiven and hid in his workshop.

Pepper hugged him with everything she had in her on the day that he screamed so much with a few representatives of the accords for forgiveness to the rogues. 

Not because she forgave them, but because she thought it was a big step for him.

Tony just wasn’t in the mood to have more mistakes in his mind, all the blood that he has in his hands is enough, he didn’t need the freedom of the avengers in his mind. 

But it hurt anyway, even if Pepper kept telling him how pride he was of him. It hurts to know that Steve had crashed his heart and that would be it. It made his stomach hurt and his head felt dizzy, but Pepper still felt proud of him, so at last, he knew that he must be doing something right. 

At night, alone in his workshop, trying not to think in Rogers and failing, Tony wished Rogers had killed him in Siberia.


	2. Ready

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, first, I need you guys to understand one thing: English is not my first language, so my vocabulary is not the best and sometimes I won't achieve the feeling that I want to, not just that, but maybe some phases will be very hard to understand, so if you are reading and you are like "oh my, what is this" tell me so I can correct it o/ 
> 
> Second: this chapter doesn't have much angst, but in the next ones we will have a little suffering, so prepare yourselves. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy :)

When the government decided that Tony should rejoin the Avengers to try to improve their public image — apparently fighting a criminal who is against the government and that was trying to protect a hydra assassin did wonders to Tony publicity as iron man—  
Tony wanted to say no, wanted to cry, wanted to scream, wanted to shoot the man in the face and make a hole in his face with one of his propulsion jets.

But Tony just nodded in acceptance.

Because Tony always wanted a lot of things in this life, and, differently of what people usually thought, most of the time he wouldn't get things the way he wanted. 

There was nothing else to do about Rogers or his ex-friends. What was left was to accept and try to live the little time he had left by saving as many people as possible, and if he wanted to do that, he needed them.

He always needed them.

He told Pepper that this was his last wish, to make up for his sins, even if just a little, even if just to die knowing that he did just a little more. It would never compensate the people that died from his weapons, but he would try. 

Pepper disagreed, she just wanted Tony to live the rest of his days in peace, far away from pain and sacrifices. 

Tony smiled at her and told her it was not her decision to make. 

Rhodey was in charge of handling the Avengers' return to the compound and Tony thanked him for that, because he knew that Rhodey was hurting too. His legs were still a burden in his thoughts, even if Tony had made the best prosthesis anyone could get, Rhodey still blamed Sam — and Tony still blamed himself. 

Civil war marked Rhodey a lot, not in the way it marked Tony because they weren't friends yet, the team and Rhodey, but they ware something, partners in heroship, maybe.

Rhodey felt betrayed too because they didn't listen.

Not because they couldn't, but because they didn't want to. They didn't want to listen to Tony and Rhodey couldn't understand why.

Tony wished, one more time, while he watched Rhodey cook something muttering about how Tony didn't take care of his health, that he had been his soulmate, because Rhodey listened, even when Tony didn't deserve, he would listen. 

Tony also started to call Peter to the compound more, he had little time, and God, how Tony hated to think about it, it was not nearly enough time for him to learn what he needed without being guided in a more direct approach, if he let the kid by himself he couldn't think about what kind of problems he would create. 

It was not an easy task, Peter was young and had superpowers and Tony was already old, the symptoms of the bond rejection weighing on his body that weakened more and more each day, not to mention the side effects of the drugs for his heart and the lack of a healthy diet for at least 2 decades.

Tony had to do something about it, which meant that he needed to upgrade his armor constantly, stronger, faster. Tony made one from Peter too, but it would be an inheritance. 

When he finished building it, Tony felt like crying.

But he didn't cry that day, because Stark man are made of iron and it means that Howard was such a motherfucker that even if Tony knew better, he couldn't let himself cry, it was a weakness, he knew that it wasn't, but at the same time, he believed that it was. 

Neither Rhodey nor Pepper said anything, even if one of them was always there, watching his back, present while training with Peter, waiting on the TV room when he was having his therapy sessions or watching with curious eyes what he was doing in his workshop. Most of the time it was Rhodey since he would live with Tony until he died.

Sometimes Tony would look at them and it was like he could see them braking with that thought. Because Tony would die, and there was nothing they could do about it.

Sometimes Tony would ask himself, alone in his room, staring de ceiling because he couldn't sleep, if it wasn't good for them, if they wouldn't feel relieved, but he wouldn't entertain these thoughts for much time, he couldn't or he would brake because they ware everything that Tony had. 

Everything. 

Tony couldn't say whether their constant presence did him any good or bad. It was a constant reminder that he was dying and sometimes Tony felt claustrophobic, sometimes he just wanted some time alone, but Tony also knew that his thoughts would go on dangerous paths when he was alone for a long time. 

While looking at the ceiling, Tony asked himself if it wasn't better to just let the bad thoughts flow, maybe someday he would gather the courage to finish everyone suffering because Tony knew that he was just avoiding the inevitable. 

Just a little longer. 

Peter blossomed in Tony's constant presence, opening himself to Tony and siking more and more for his advice and tips. It was adorable, to say the least, although Tony would never admit it out loud.

Training with him helped to distract himself from the constant feeling of being sick, as if every second he could feel his body getting weaker, the headaches more frequent and strong, like it was going to split in half, the heart more fragile.

It was such an irony.

At night, when Pepper wasn't there and Rhodey was sleeping in the couch while Tony worked on the workshop, Tony would ask himself what would kill him first, his soul mark or his heart, that was very damaged because one of his not so dead soulmates chose to put a shield on it.

Tony did cry that night.

The adrenaline of fighting in scenarios created by Friday with nanotechnology with Peter was somewhat invigorating. 

The kid would finish his training smiling like he could hug Tony, but he never tried, and Tony never asked. 

Tony was also helping Peter a little with other questions of a more scientific nature, helping him in building his new uniform and trying to teach the youngster some tricks. He was smart by nature, but he didn't quite match what Tony was at that age. Peter was one of the best of his class, sure, but a natural genius that could have graduated college? Tony wasn't sure, but it was probably because the boy didn't put much intent in it, he wanted to fight, to be on the battlefield, but if he didn't have the technology to help him, it would be a lot harder, so Tony pushed.

Books, homework, his school grades should be impeccable and he needed to go to all his activities.

He wasn't very happy, but Tony pushed and kept pushing.

The genius arrived where he was today for two reasons, the first is that yeah, he was a natural genius, the second is because of incentive, his desired to prove Howard wrong, to prove that he was more than Captain America, that he could be something wonderful too... It was what moved Tony forward for a long time.

Thinking of it, maybe yeah, maybe he was depressed back then if the only reason that he could think about to be alive was to prove something to his dad, the guy that he hated for his hole life. Maybe his therapist was right. 

He should say that to her, but he probably wouldn't. 

Tony never proved himself to Howard.

But he kept trying, hoping that if somehow he was good enough, maybe he could fix what was broken with himself. 

He never fixed, but he also didn't want Peter to have this kind of incentive, so he tried in other forms, in the form of a mentor, in the form of what spider man needed. 

Because spider man would need it because after Tony was gone, there would be nobody else to help him. 

One day, when Rhodey was resolving the Avengers issue which meant that Pepper was the one who should stay to keep him company, she entered the workshop where Tony made yet another armor, trying to make one that performed well under the water so that the movement was fluid and the pressure did not crush it.

"I know what you're doing, Mr. Stark" She started to approach, but her voice was sweet, as well as her eyes. She no longer looked like she had been crying for hours every day, there was something soft around her eyes "and I think you do too."

“I don't know what you're talking about” Tony commented without taking his eyes off the nanochips he worked on, however, smiling sideways he added “Mrs. Potts. ”

"Tony" she started again, her voice taking on a serious tone as she rested her hand on his shoulder "you need to tell him, you know that".

“Just to make him suffer more? Not Pep ”

"Tony"

Tony looked at her for the first time since she entered the room and something Pepper must have seen there because her features have turned dark.

"I don't need to make anyone else suffer from this Pep, can I just let him enjoy it while he can?"

"Tony," she said, pulling the man into a hug. She kissed the crown of his head before continuing "I will not question it again if it is about this, but we know it is not"

Tony sighed, adjusting his head so that it leaned right where he could hear Peper's heartbeat, loud, steady, unlike his beat, which grew weaker and weaker.

"You can't expect him to succeed you without you explaining it to him."

Tony said nothing.

The next day, after Tony's session with the psychiatrist which means that he was already feeling like shit because talking about his nightmares to a woman that was being paid to listen was stressful as fuck, Peter arrived for his training session, shoulder-to-shoulder with Rhodey. When their eyes met, the boy collapsed in tears and sobs.

Tony didn't know exactly what to feel while hugging Peter, his tears hurt him and Tony knew that the idea that the kid would be suffering for him would torment his nightmares until the end of his days, but he couldn't be totally in that situation when his mind also focused on the feeling of betrayal for not having his wishes respected even when he was dying.

Tony stopped talking to Pepper.

And yet he loved her with all his heart.

Rhodey did not comment on the situation and Tony insisted on training even more with Peter, demanding more of the boy, more of himself, as if that would remove the shadow of pain that filled the youngest's eyes every time he looked at him.

Rhodey said the avengers would arrive the following week.

Tony was not ready.

And he was sure he would never be. 

So Tony went to his workshop and stayed there. No one went after him because they knew it was useless, but they threatened, through Friday, if he didn't take his medicine. 

It made him feel like shit, but it was better then to fight his only friends, so Tony toke all the anti-depressives and the drugs for his heart, even if not always in the right hour, or, in some cases, like the pain medicine, in the right quantity, he had a tendency to take more than what was indicated on the prescription. 

Even with the medicine that made him feel like he needed to sleep for ten years, his anxiety was in its maximum and Tony really considered to suit up and fly through the window, but he knew he couldn't. 

So, again, he made what his dad hat teach him not to, and cried himself to sleep.

During the week, everything felt like a blur and he was constantly feeling dizzy and light-headed. His soul-mark burned, and its colors, blue, gold, and silver, ware fading into a gray tonality, sometimes it would bleed too. 

He buried himself in his armors, upgrading it and forcing himself not to think, not in his inevitable death that seemed to approach fast, not in his friends, not in the ones that weren't his friends anymore, and primordially, he tried very hard not to think in his soulmates. 

But it was hard when you knew that they would arrive so soon.


	3. Cold

Steve was cold.

Steve was always cold, since Siberia, walking in heavy coats and gloves even in the hot and humid climate of Wakanda.

Sometimes, when he woke up from a nightmare in the middle of the night, he felt so cold that his teeth chattered and he couldn't stop shivering for a long time, even if Bucky wrapped him in a blanket and increased the temperature of the room, looking at Steve with some sort of helpless sadness. 

Steve would only feel the cold a little less when the Wakanda sun started to appear through the window, the light illuminating the room.

Bucky would be bathed in sweat by the temperature of the room by then, his long hair sticking to his forehead and cheeks, but he wouldn't walk away from Steve, hugging him until the tremor passed.

Steve was grateful because while Bucky was in the cryogenic chamber and he had to go through this alone, the impression he had was that the night would never end, each night seemed some kind of horror movie where he would get stuck in his own head and couldn't get out, visualizing his own nightmares over and over. 

The cold never went away, it lessened, but it was always there, even in the sunlight, reminding him of his biggest sin, his biggest mistake in the huge list of unforgivable mistakes he had made during his life.

Sometimes Steve wondered why they took the trouble to bring him back from the ice if the only thing he was going to do was screw it up.

Sometimes, when Steve was shaking so badly that his teeth chattered so much that Bucky would worry that he would bite his tongue out, he could also see blood.

Blood, so much blood.

Steve hadn't seen blood at the time, but he knew that behind that armor there must have been a lot. His stomach churned at the thought and he needed to run to the bathroom to vomit whatever he had consumed, which wasn't much these last few days. 

Bucky never commented or asked why, but Steve figured he already had the answer.

He always had on his face the look of someone who knew everything Steve was thinking. He felt guilty because Bucky was already going through enough difficulties and still had to deal with his problems. 

But Bucky never said anything.

The relationship between the two did not seem exactly functional at the moment either. Shuri had helped Bucky get his head back on track, and despite the guilt, he almost reminded him of Bucky from before, much quieter and with shadows of guilt in his eyes, but he was there, under all that pain, changed, evolved, but still Bucky. 

Which was strange because Steve still couldn't really be with him, not as he should, not as the one who carried his soul mark in the center of his back should be. Not the way they were before.

Steve did not understand why. He got what he wanted, didn't he? It was hard that they had to deal with political problems, the Accords, but Steve didn't care, not that, he had gotten Bucky back.

His Bucky.

The love of his life.

And something in his chest was relieved every time Steve realized he was there, within reach, maybe not happy, but he wasn't suffering either.

So why did Steve feel like something was breaking inside him?

Steve knew that one of the answers was guilt.

Guilt because Steve knew he was wrong. He recognized that, not only now but the moment he planted the shield on Tony's chest, hell, even before that, Steve knew he was wrong, but he didn't want to deal with it, he didn't even want to think about listening and having Bucky escaping between his fingers once again.

So he did what he thought would work, not what he thought was right, but what would work.

He did everything knowing that he was wrong, that he would never forgive himself and that he would never be forgiven, but even so, he kept going, just a little more, he would tell himself.

The pain was still there, guilt, for different reasons, but for the same person.

Back then he didn't want to even think about it, the feeling in his chest, in his stomach. He didn't want to recognize it, to recognize how miserably he had failed Bucky, he couldn't.

When the finished version of the Accord arrived in the hands of Rogues Steve just confirmed what he already knew, that they made a lot of mistakes in many ways, maybe he was making mistakes from a long time ago.

The mood between them, the Rogues, got heavier after that, as if they couldn't deal with their mistakes.

And they couldn't.

The Avengers pardon came a week later, with conditions and calls from a Rhodey who wouldn't stop to listen, just inform and disconnect the connection as soon as he said what he had to say. Every time this happened, everyone in the conference room cowered a little more in themselves.

Sam never looked at Rhodey's hologram, his gaze focused on the center of the table.

None of them even discussed the elephant in the room.

None of them asked why Tony Stark was reportedly hospitalized for three weeks after Steve left him in Siberia.

To die.

Steve threw up every time he thought about it. Shuri even offered to have him examined, but Steve knew that wasn't a problem, not with his health. 

Steve was just grateful that Tony had survived, he was sure he couldn't cope if he had died, the moment he planted the shield on his chest something very wrong had happened inside Steve. He could feel something breaking, spreading in his chest, a sense of terror, almost like a disease, spreading slowly. 

In his head, at that moment, the only thing he could think was to go back, but he knew was too late, so he prayed. 

And prayed. 

And he could stop shivering, even if there was no more snow, even if Bucky would hug him, trying to warm his body. 

Steve couldn't stop shivering. 

So he thought that maybe he should die too.

Bucky would be mad at him but he would understand, because while Steve walked, shivering, he would let his tears fall and Bucky would look at him like he understood.

So he planned to let Bucky in Wakanda's care and then find a way to kill a supersoldier. 

T'Challa stopped him before he had a chance and explained that Tony Stark was in a hospital... After spending 8 hours in the snow, alone, waiting for death to spare him. 

Steve couldn't stop shivering. 

So Steve stayed, still not sure why yet, maybe to help Bucky, maybe because he knew that it would just infuriate Tony more, giving up like that after everything this fight cost. 

He knew he was wrong from the beginning, the moment he got information about Stark's parents he should have said something and he didn't, and that was the biggest betrayal he could do to Tony.

Tony, the one who offered him a home.

That explained to him about the new world he lived in.

That helped him adjust, that showed him the movies he knew he would like.

The one that let Steve into his workshop when he had a nightmare, even if he wouldn't let anyone else.

The one who told stories about what happened to his war colleagues after Steve went on the ice, even though it was clear that Tony did not like the subject.

The one who explained to Steve that not everything people say is literal, but sometimes just a joke.

The one who gave him a home.

Tony, the one who risked his life over and over, even though Steve said no because it was too risky, just so he could save as many people as possible.

The one who had proved Steve wrong more than once.

"Take off the armor, what are you?"

Tony was always so much more than Steve could be, he just hid it behind false arrogance, his way of driving people away.

Because after a while it was easy to see that he was anything but arrogant. All the sarcasm being just another form of armor that he used to hide his own weaknesses.

And Steve recognized all of that. Just as he recognized the feeling that had settled in his chest over time, a feeling that he knew very well and that he never thought he would feel again, not after Bucky.

At night, alone in his room in the compound, Steve was going to ask himself if he had a chance… If he should give this feeling a chance, even if they were not destined souls, the feeling was real and Steve knew that Bucky would approve of Tony much easier than Steve himself.

But then Siberia happened and Steve did what he did.

Looking back, Steve knows that he could have done everything differently, from the beginning, but dealing with his own mistakes, the only thing Steve did was swallow his own morals, accept the feeling of doing something deeply wrong and then continued on.

And Tony?

Tony just kept proving how stupid Steve was.

The journey back to the United States was silent and long. In the jet, the mood was heavy and nobody looked at anyone.

Bucky was sitting next to him, and despite their relationship being in a state that Steve himself couldn't explain, without being dating, but without being apart either, his shoulders and legs were touching, as if they wanted to convey comfort when whoever was supposed to be comforting Bucky was Steve.

"Look" Bucky started, his voice low but in the jet's silence, the voice reverberated "I know I don't have much to say, I didn't know the Avengers before this shitshow happened, but I was there when you guys fought and I know it was ugly, but if he is letting you come back is because something can still be done. No?"

“It's not that simple” began Clint, who was sitting in front of Bucky “As far as we know he forgave us, legally, yes, which is already a big step, but as far as Rhodey has hinted, he will only join the team again because of public matter ”.

Bucky waited a little to respond, testing the words in his tongue before speaking.

"Look" replied Bucky "I don't know the guy, and probably out of everyone here I am the one he hates the most."

"Bucky."

“No, Steve. We're not going to go into that now, but he hates me and yet he allowed me to go with you when he didn't have to, and we all know he didn't have to. If he managed to do that, I think he can forgive you.”

“No, Barnes.” began Natasha “I understand your logic, but we made a lot of mistakes. You are another story, you were not to blame for what you did and even if Tony doesn't like it, he knows it. Us? We are to blame for everything we did, some more than others, but we are. ” She stopped for a second, sitting next to Clint she looked Bucky in the eye “The first time I met him he was dying and even then I got carried away by his mask. It was simple, to let him withdraw. And then he proved me wrong again and again and somehow we formed a kind of partnership. He is the one who understands me most probably and… I betrayed him in the worst way, and he knows it, and I know it, and there is nothing we can do about it, because everything that I said to him… I said because I wanted to hurt him, and I did.”

No one else said anything, not even when Steve started to shiver.

When they arrived at the compound after a few hours of flight, Vision and Pepper were waiting for them in the landing area, greeting them politely and indifferently, the message was clear, passed through with only a hard look.

“Your rooms remain as they were when you left.” she began “Some areas have been upgraded, but Vision will explain each one to you. The main thing is in the training area, so don't go in there without Vision until you learn to work with everything. As you signed in the Accords, there is no restriction on your leaving the house, but knowing the government as I do I think that they probably have agents hanging around the area, so I recommend that you don't leave the Compound for a few days. Agent Barton, your family has already been removed from the security shelter and is now in the old Avengers tower, they should be moved here tomorrow ”

Clint nodded, one of the first reports they received was that Tony was covering for Barton's family and that they were safe, which obviously added another weight to Clint's shoulders.

“If you have any questions or need anything, ask Friday. Rhodey is there, too, if you need them. ”

And then she turned away and left, making one thing clear: they weren't supposed to try to contact Tony.

With a heavy heart, Steve sighed and followed Vision.


End file.
